Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts.
Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind.
It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Toliet
I am but the throne on which you may stay.
A place with which you may release your pain.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
Ever loyal, ever waiting, even if you're gay.
Making you slim by taking away what you gain.
Flush, flush, flush your lamentations away.
On me, your ass shall lay.
Even if I myself will be stained.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
You bury me in acid, that foul fecal decay.
Even drown me in yellow rain.
Flush, flush, flush your lamentations away.
Day by day, as you fight your inner foray.
I dispose of the casualties with my merciless drain.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
Although I'm not sanitized everyday.
I'll endure your waste until I wane.
Flush, flush, flush your lamentations away.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
A place with which you may release your pain.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
Ever loyal, ever waiting, even if you're gay.
Making you slim by taking away what you gain.
Flush, flush, flush your lamentations away.
On me, your ass shall lay.
Even if I myself will be stained.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
You bury me in acid, that foul fecal decay.
Even drown me in yellow rain.
Flush, flush, flush your lamentations away.
Day by day, as you fight your inner foray.
I dispose of the casualties with my merciless drain.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
Although I'm not sanitized everyday.
I'll endure your waste until I wane.
Flush, flush, flush your lamentations away.
Splish, splash, splish it still smells bad I say.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Definition of Happiness
To me happiness is different from what most people think. Probably they think so because of the negative connotation it is associated with. Probably it is because they think that happiness has just a single color. Or that they think happiness has the same depth of a spoon. Maybe I’m not really sure but to my definition of happiness is something that I think is true.
Happiness is a disease.
You might be thinking the craziest reasons why I said this. A few of them saying I’m emo. A few of them saying I’m depressed. Some saying I’m just bitter and have not experienced it before. And others saying I’m just plain crazy. Well I’m saying now that I’m not emo and never will be. I’m not depressed, I am quite overjoyed actually. I may be a cynic but that doesn’t mean I have never experienced the happiness of a hug, a laugh, or a kiss. Yes I am plain crazy, that’s why I thought of this is the first place, but hey it’s quite true to me.
Happiness is a disease because it is infectious. If you’re happy, then you words become a little friendlier, your hugs a little warmer, you intentions become just a bit brighter. You can feel it, if you see someone just smile at you; you can’t help but smile back and be happy too. Happiness is just another good thing to pass around.
Happiness is a disease because it can weaken you. If you are too happy, if you are lulled in to a false sense of hope making you happy, you will just get hurt more. Being too happy will make you careless at times, being too happy will let your judgements unwise at times, being too happy might make you expect somethings fortunate only to make it hurt more. Sometimes too much happiness can do this to you.
Happiness is a disease because it can be cured. It can be cured with depression, bitterness, remorse, sins and/or death. Depression can make you cold and the disease will die along with it. Bitterness will make the disease a little less vigorous and degenerate it. Remorse will make it self implode the disease. Sin will make it exponentially grow but in the end it will hit it where it hurts. Death won’t have its real desired effect if you have the disease still with you when it all ends.
Happiness is a disease because it can kill you. It seriously can, but it seems as though people’s mentality is that you need to die happy. That would be nice though.
All I can say is happiness is just a part of the bright spectrum of the world. It has its shades of gray like us, it has its pros and cons. It has its depth and complexity yet it is quite simple to understand. You ask me then, “If you think it’s a disease why be happy yourself?” Well it’s a calculated risk. And it seems as though the pros weigh more than cons.
If it’s just going to be the pain, then I’d rather have it.
Happiness is a disease.
You might be thinking the craziest reasons why I said this. A few of them saying I’m emo. A few of them saying I’m depressed. Some saying I’m just bitter and have not experienced it before. And others saying I’m just plain crazy. Well I’m saying now that I’m not emo and never will be. I’m not depressed, I am quite overjoyed actually. I may be a cynic but that doesn’t mean I have never experienced the happiness of a hug, a laugh, or a kiss. Yes I am plain crazy, that’s why I thought of this is the first place, but hey it’s quite true to me.
Happiness is a disease because it is infectious. If you’re happy, then you words become a little friendlier, your hugs a little warmer, you intentions become just a bit brighter. You can feel it, if you see someone just smile at you; you can’t help but smile back and be happy too. Happiness is just another good thing to pass around.
Happiness is a disease because it can weaken you. If you are too happy, if you are lulled in to a false sense of hope making you happy, you will just get hurt more. Being too happy will make you careless at times, being too happy will let your judgements unwise at times, being too happy might make you expect somethings fortunate only to make it hurt more. Sometimes too much happiness can do this to you.
Happiness is a disease because it can be cured. It can be cured with depression, bitterness, remorse, sins and/or death. Depression can make you cold and the disease will die along with it. Bitterness will make the disease a little less vigorous and degenerate it. Remorse will make it self implode the disease. Sin will make it exponentially grow but in the end it will hit it where it hurts. Death won’t have its real desired effect if you have the disease still with you when it all ends.
Happiness is a disease because it can kill you. It seriously can, but it seems as though people’s mentality is that you need to die happy. That would be nice though.
All I can say is happiness is just a part of the bright spectrum of the world. It has its shades of gray like us, it has its pros and cons. It has its depth and complexity yet it is quite simple to understand. You ask me then, “If you think it’s a disease why be happy yourself?” Well it’s a calculated risk. And it seems as though the pros weigh more than cons.
If it’s just going to be the pain, then I’d rather have it.
Entry 13
In all of the 15 years I have been living, I can't really count the times I have been soul searching.
And what I mean by soul searching is the finding God kind of thing. Wondering if he is really here, with us or the if the concept of God is just something for us human beings to hold on to.
Just something for us to believe in.
Well, in the times that I have been soul searching, I just happen to pop a question to my family, friends, old friends, enemies, random people, you know anyone.
"Is God here with us?"
These are some of the responses I have recieved:
"Of course He is! Are you kind of some freaking atheist?! Come on let's finish the Rosary."
"Ahahahahahahahaha, are you kidding me? He doesn't FUCKING EXIST ya hear me?"
"Uy wag mo sabihin yan baka marinig niya tayo. Kung ano ano pa mangyayari sa atin."
"I don't know. And I frankly don't care because I've been doing fine with out Him."
"Putaragis kang bata ka! Wag ka magisip ng ganyan."
"Because God loves you and me I know He's here."
"He is. Sometimes in weird ways. But He is."
"I ain't sure really. If He's here or not, I know I've been able to get by."
"Sure He is. I know so because of 2 things. 1) Look at all of the good that has been happening. Heh I know that's him. 2) Look at all of the shitty things that has happened to me, I know He's biting my ass to keep me in shape."
"Hahaha I'll believe so if money comes out of thin air and a chorus of angles come with it."
"Ah bahala na kung dyan naman siya o hindi, nadyan naman ang mga kaibigan at pamilya ko. Yung kaya ko lang gawin ay pasalamatan siya eh."
"Sana naman nandito siya, nakakapamura talaga minsan, sana di naman tayo iniwanan dito."
"Maybe so, I'd like to think He's here. To see the good we've done and help us in sustaining them. But sometimes I wish he wasn't here at times, because he might see the crappy things we've done in this world."
A yes, a no, a maybe, a fuck off and alot more types of responses.
Still after all of these responses, I still can't really find my answer to that question.
Because after all you do have to wonder, with all this crap happening to us how the hell can he be here?
With all the disasters, sickness, wars, deaths how the hell can He be here?
He can't possibly be here right?
Maybe, maybe so. But what I think is that He's here to see us change. Maybe He's not directly trying to change us.
Just like a bike He gives us our training wheels, but He has to take them away so we can learn.
In spite of everything, in spite of being flung into the cesspool of life, He is probably there waiting for us to stand up.
After all life is about learning, and one of them is learning to stand up again.
So I guess my answer is yes.
Although I may sound like a crazy asshole when I say so, I still say with conviction:
"He's here. I can feel it. Hey he may be an asshole be sending us all this crap. But He's a wise nice asshole. I think He knows what He is doing by waiting right here with us."
And what I mean by soul searching is the finding God kind of thing. Wondering if he is really here, with us or the if the concept of God is just something for us human beings to hold on to.
Just something for us to believe in.
Well, in the times that I have been soul searching, I just happen to pop a question to my family, friends, old friends, enemies, random people, you know anyone.
"Is God here with us?"
These are some of the responses I have recieved:
"Of course He is! Are you kind of some freaking atheist?! Come on let's finish the Rosary."
"Ahahahahahahahaha, are you kidding me? He doesn't FUCKING EXIST ya hear me?"
"Uy wag mo sabihin yan baka marinig niya tayo. Kung ano ano pa mangyayari sa atin."
"I don't know. And I frankly don't care because I've been doing fine with out Him."
"Putaragis kang bata ka! Wag ka magisip ng ganyan."
"Because God loves you and me I know He's here."
"He is. Sometimes in weird ways. But He is."
"I ain't sure really. If He's here or not, I know I've been able to get by."
"Sure He is. I know so because of 2 things. 1) Look at all of the good that has been happening. Heh I know that's him. 2) Look at all of the shitty things that has happened to me, I know He's biting my ass to keep me in shape."
"Hahaha I'll believe so if money comes out of thin air and a chorus of angles come with it."
"Ah bahala na kung dyan naman siya o hindi, nadyan naman ang mga kaibigan at pamilya ko. Yung kaya ko lang gawin ay pasalamatan siya eh."
"Sana naman nandito siya, nakakapamura talaga minsan, sana di naman tayo iniwanan dito."
"Maybe so, I'd like to think He's here. To see the good we've done and help us in sustaining them. But sometimes I wish he wasn't here at times, because he might see the crappy things we've done in this world."
A yes, a no, a maybe, a fuck off and alot more types of responses.
Still after all of these responses, I still can't really find my answer to that question.
Because after all you do have to wonder, with all this crap happening to us how the hell can he be here?
With all the disasters, sickness, wars, deaths how the hell can He be here?
He can't possibly be here right?
Maybe, maybe so. But what I think is that He's here to see us change. Maybe He's not directly trying to change us.
Just like a bike He gives us our training wheels, but He has to take them away so we can learn.
In spite of everything, in spite of being flung into the cesspool of life, He is probably there waiting for us to stand up.
After all life is about learning, and one of them is learning to stand up again.
So I guess my answer is yes.
Although I may sound like a crazy asshole when I say so, I still say with conviction:
"He's here. I can feel it. Hey he may be an asshole be sending us all this crap. But He's a wise nice asshole. I think He knows what He is doing by waiting right here with us."
Entry 12
Sleep child sleep for life has kicked you off your feet.
For when you wake, your sanity is at stake.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Dry your eyes for you have promises to keep.
And show the world your alright, give or take.
Be still, be still, for stillness heals rents oh so deep.
Though gunshots are fired, appear gentle and meek.
So that you may hear lamentations not only you make.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Breath in, breath out, let out the sorrow you keep.
Make anger flow, make it not into hate.
Be still, be still, for stillness heals rents oh so deep.
Keep moving, keep breathing, keep living, take a chance to leap.
Hope that you may have not been too late.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Wide and awake, ready to face the world in victory or defeat.
Until the day you reach your expiration date.
Be still, be still, for stillness heals rents oh so deep.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
For when you wake, your sanity is at stake.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Dry your eyes for you have promises to keep.
And show the world your alright, give or take.
Be still, be still, for stillness heals rents oh so deep.
Though gunshots are fired, appear gentle and meek.
So that you may hear lamentations not only you make.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Breath in, breath out, let out the sorrow you keep.
Make anger flow, make it not into hate.
Be still, be still, for stillness heals rents oh so deep.
Keep moving, keep breathing, keep living, take a chance to leap.
Hope that you may have not been too late.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Wide and awake, ready to face the world in victory or defeat.
Until the day you reach your expiration date.
Be still, be still, for stillness heals rents oh so deep.
Be brave, be brave, be silent for the road ahead is steep.
Entry 11
A man walks silently on the street, sunken red eyes looking at earth below him. A light crease of something familiar in his pockets, and they smell of gunpowder. His damp face lookingquite gloomy, bumps into a woman. Not just any woman, but a woman with a fit body beautiful face, crying. Both stutter for they have seen each other face to face, and heartbeats rise.
Soon after that night, letters are sent, kisses are exchanged and hearts entwine. Then man with the thought of death sought new life with her. And the woman heart crushed, picked up the pieces with him. Many years pass, and finally the man decided to marry her, exchanging vows the commit. The chains they formed were never thought broken. Sadly, the chains were made of iron, and iron rusts.
They began to drift away from each other, the woman tried to go near the man showing his letters of devotion and loved. She was only to be shunned, and would see hin only when dawn breaks. Smelling a faint smell of alcohol in the air. One day, he finally left and this time the letter he left wasn't about love. The woman picked it up only filled with rage and disgust.
"I'm gay."
Soon after that night, letters are sent, kisses are exchanged and hearts entwine. Then man with the thought of death sought new life with her. And the woman heart crushed, picked up the pieces with him. Many years pass, and finally the man decided to marry her, exchanging vows the commit. The chains they formed were never thought broken. Sadly, the chains were made of iron, and iron rusts.
They began to drift away from each other, the woman tried to go near the man showing his letters of devotion and loved. She was only to be shunned, and would see hin only when dawn breaks. Smelling a faint smell of alcohol in the air. One day, he finally left and this time the letter he left wasn't about love. The woman picked it up only filled with rage and disgust.
"I'm gay."
Entry 10
Well you sir?
Would you like a slice?
Just a little bite.
You wouldn't have to think twice.
I just sell cheese. Yes cheese!
This small little dairy product.
Enough to fullfill your stomach.
What kind of cheese? All kinds sir!
We have Cheddar.
Almost nothing better.
Try a bit of Mozzarella or Parmesan!
Camembert, Danish, Polish?! Tell me man!
Wouldn't you buy any of them please?
Why buy any of these?
Because sir, it would almost go with anything!
Did you try the cheesecake? It was quite a pick.
Or maybe the cheese sandwhiches? With the chesse in it you can put everything.
Pizza with Mozzarella quite my especiality.
My spaghetti with Parmesan its recipe hidden in secrecy.
Or my cheese can be eaten alone.
If you think it is better than any calzone.
Well sir? Would you like a slice?
I can still lower the price.
Would you like a slice?
Just a little bite.
You wouldn't have to think twice.
I just sell cheese. Yes cheese!
This small little dairy product.
Enough to fullfill your stomach.
What kind of cheese? All kinds sir!
We have Cheddar.
Almost nothing better.
Try a bit of Mozzarella or Parmesan!
Camembert, Danish, Polish?! Tell me man!
Wouldn't you buy any of them please?
Why buy any of these?
Because sir, it would almost go with anything!
Did you try the cheesecake? It was quite a pick.
Or maybe the cheese sandwhiches? With the chesse in it you can put everything.
Pizza with Mozzarella quite my especiality.
My spaghetti with Parmesan its recipe hidden in secrecy.
Or my cheese can be eaten alone.
If you think it is better than any calzone.
Well sir? Would you like a slice?
I can still lower the price.
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